My husband and I have three sons. Two of them have graduated from high school and are living away at college. Because of our home’s design, my office is located in the room that was meant to be our formal dining room. It sits in the middle of our home, and it has no doors. It’s not ideal, but it has great light and a great view, so I’ve kept it where it is. Now that the boys are out of the house, we have two spare bedrooms. Making one of those rooms a spare bedroom and making the other one my office is a perfect solution. I’ve said I’m going to do it. And yet, I haven’t. I haven’t taken any action despite knowing the “perfect” solution. So why haven’t I acted? Because every time I think about it, I worry what the impact will be. How will my sons feel not having their room to come home to? How will they feel if I take away the one place in our home that has been their personal refuge for years? Will they still want to come home? Will they feel like this is their home? Changing their bedrooms into new, neutral spaces means that his dad and I have to face the loss we feel as transitioning empty nesters. We spent hours in those rooms, lying in bed with the boys, reading them bedtime stories. Those were happy, joyful times, and the feelings related to the loss of them in our home come straight to the surface when I think of doing something new with their rooms.
The point is, knowing what to do isn’t always enough to make it happen. As humans, we all make commitments that we don’t keep. We often know the path forward and yet we still fail to make progress. It’s like sinew that holds muscle to bone. Until we grapple with what is truly holding us, until we can identify it, name it, and deal with it head on, progress will continue to be elusive.
This is where a coach can be a powerful partner. Coaches listen deeply for the sinews that hold you in place. They help you dig below the obvious, helping you get out of beating yourself up because you aren’t making progress on this thing that you say you desperately want but yet can’t quite grasp. They help you identify the sinews and help you articulate what is actually important enough to you to do the often difficult work to cut them, releasing you to untethered movement forward.
This is also why simply telling someone what to do by offering them advice is also not effective. To you, sure it sounds simple, realistic, and maybe even obvious. But you don’t have the same attachment. You don’t know the feelings, worries, or fears below the surface. Even if you did “know” them, you can’t really understand how they “feel” because they don’t live in you.
For TRUE change to happen, for sustainable forward movement, the work must be deeper.
For leadership coaching clients, they show up with issues like time management, setting boundaries, setting and communicating clear expectations, giving feedback, having difficult conversations, facing conflict, disappointing people, making decisions that negatively impact some people, etc. If a client came to me and said they were having time management issues, and I told them to buy a calendar, create a daily to-do list, take a course on how to maximize their suite of online tools, and read a book about how to set time management structures, they would likely feel offended. Like somehow, I didn’t think they were smart enough to think of and try all those things already. While tools can be helpful, time management is rarely about tools. It’s typically more about trade-offs, losses, disappointing people, doing work you love versus that which drains you, etc.
If the answer seems obvious, and yet there is still no progress, get curious about what else is going on.
For now, the bedrooms remain quiet and empty. Even though I know the solution is obvious, I’m not ready to go there. I need more time to go through the messy feelings associated with my kids leaving the house. I’ll get there someday. It just won’t be today.